Friday, July 16, 2010

If I were smart, I'd have gone to church this morning. 8AM Mass, dragging the kids and all. It would have been just us and a few elderly folks, I'm certain. If I really could pick, I'd only take Hannah with me. Lillian likes to test me. Last Sunday, she kept kicking her feet on the wood to make noises, and also kept lounging about on the pew like it was a poolside chaise lounge. I know she's four and I can't expect too much. But still, the reading and homily was about the Good Samaritan, and I like to focus. (Even though the focus sometimes is a stark reminder of how much I suck.) Case in point...difficult people. Jesus instructs us to love our neighbor, to show them mercy as the Samaritan does to the man who's been beaten and robbed and left for dead. I don't know how to apply this to difficult people.

I mean, I know how I'm supposed to apply this. I know I'm supposed to be kind to them anyway, even though they might drive me absolutely batty, that I'm supposed to show them love and mercy even when they are complete a-holes. This, my friends...exceedingly hard.

Anyway, a digression there, but a worthwhile one. I'm all upset. The class I'm taking is ridiculously hard, an advanced science course condensed into a nightmare 6-weeks long. I'm stuck and not getting these concepts. That's bad enough. Add to that the notion of being forgotten by the online community I've been writing with for almost 6 years? I'm feeling rather lost and sad, and singularly self-focused. Church is good for ridding oneself of this.

I have to pass this course.

I don't have to blog.

I want to be a nurse.

Is there a Patron Saint of Chemistry? Because I'm going to ask a favor, that you invoke this person and their brain, that they may take pity on me, suffering through my last chemistry class. I'm in tears for many reasons this morning, and sitting in front of my online homework problems certainly is not helping, because I have zero idea on how to complete these problems.

I wish I could shower in holy water.

I also need to go home. Like it's a drug, I need to go home and get some wide-open air in my veins. I need to sit by the pond and play with my nephew and see my parents. I think it's because I feel like such a kid right now, helpless and lonely.

Pray for me, okay? I don't need an A. I need to pass with a C for the credit to ultimately transfer. I got an 87 on my first test, but my optimistic bubble was burst when I saw the difficulty (and calculus-laden) quality of kinetics and equilibrium constants. I never took calculus. For good reason.

Anyway, I should have gone to church this morning.

7 comments:

de said...

Hang in there, sister! Don't worry, when you have the time, the readers will come back. Keep your heart in what really matters.

Catherine of Siena and Rose of Lima are two saints you might invoke.

MemeGRL said...

You are not forgotten. And prayer is the only way I got through chemistry either.

MemeGRL said...

And PS--according to Google:
St. Cosmas and St. Damian are the patron saints of chemistry.

RuthWells said...

I don't pray, but you know I'll be thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Please pray and go to Mass. It will do wonders for your soul. I don't know where your parish is, but our 8 a.m. Mass is filled with noisy babies and their parents.

God is waiting.

mayberry said...

So you'll go tomorrow. And you'll get through that class. I'll definitely put in a good word with Cosmas and Damian for you!

eileen said...

I was away on vacation, and I realize you are hurtling ever closer to the end of your course, but, I'm still praying for you..this too shall pass, and there will be time to breathe and be, and the experience will make it possible for you to savor that breath ever so sweetly. Hang in there!